Bleh

That is pretty much how I feel right now. Not good or bad, just Bleh.

I have really been struggling lately with not feeling any sense of purpose or passion in my life. I feel like I often float through the days and weeks without really feeling excited or happy or even sad or angry.

I don't look forward to work because I honestly don't like my job very much. It's just not something that challenges me at all. I'm struggling with whether God has placed me here for a reason or whether I am to go somewhere else. I know that in this economy I should just be happy to have a job that has good hours and pays well. But I don't think it's asking to much to want a job that makes me somewhat happy, or that I at least look forward to going to every day.

Yesterday Tyler spoke about finding what God has called you to do. He said something that really struck me. He said that this isn't something that happens overnight, like you don't sit down and have this quick conversation with God and all of a sudden know exactly what you are called to. But that instead it is something that becomes more clear over time, as you pray and immerse yourself in God and learn the giftings He has given you.

As much as I know that is true and I am thankful for it, it kinda pisses me off. I am not a patient person by any means and I am also definitely a planner by nature. So if it were up to me, I would really like to be able to sit down with God and have that quick conversation. It would probably go something like this:

Me: Ok God, I have about 30 minutes before I need to go cook dinner so can we keep this short and to the point? So where exactly do you see me in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years and can I please have the road map for how to get there?

Then I can imagine there would be silence on God's part as He sits in heaven and laughs and shakes His head at me.

I know that He understands my impatient and organized nature, He's the one who created me to be this way.

God: You have a lot to learn my child, don't you know that if you just sit back and let me guide you everything will turn out just fine and I will make sure you are provided with everything you need?

Me: Yeah God, I mean I know all that, but can I at least get some milestones or something to put on my calendar? That way I have something to work towards or look forward to?

God: But it's part of not knowing the journey that is the perfect part of My design. If you knew everything I had designed for you and knew how to accomplish it, what would you need Me for?

I love it that God knows and completely understands the impatient and organized parts of me and that He made me exactly that way for a reason! Sometimes I feel like knowing that reason might make life a little easier, but you know what? It probably wouldn't. I'm sure that as soon as I felt like I knew and understood that reason, that there would be something else I would want to know.

I know that things work much better when I just leave them in God's control instead of trying to pick up those burdens and carry them on my small shoulders alone. It's a daily struggle, sometimes hourly even, to remind myself of that.