Feeling Really Mixed Up

So this week I have been struggling with a lot of different feelings. Many of them stemming from my parents' divorce, my relationship with my Dad, and the hurt and issues I have to deal with as a result of those. I feel like there are days where I am on the edge of falling into an all consuming depression. Those are the days when everything hurts and every thought reminds me of past hurts and rough times in my life. Those are the days when I don't feel good about myself, how I look or my talents and abilities. Those are the days where I just want to go to bed and go back to sleep because nothing hurts while I'm asleep.

I'm tired of having those kinds of days. I'm tired of hearing my Dad's voice in my head yelling at me and putting me down and telling me I will never be good enough. I'm tired of fighting the pain that all those memories bring. 

My Dad and I had a decent relationship up until I hit puberty. He always had a temper and got mad easily but I don't remember him taking it out on me when I was younger. It seemed like when I hit puberty he just didn't know how to relate to me anymore. So our interactions became him yelling at me when I didn't do something good enough and me ending up in my room crying and heartbroken that I would never be good enough to make my Dad happy and proud of me. And it certainly wasn't for lack of trying. I always tried to be the good kid and not get in trouble and tried to keep my younger sisters out of trouble. I tried to do well in school and from the time I was 16 I had a job to pay for things like my car insurance, gas, and other things I wanted. I don't feel like I ever asked for anything special or caused a lot of problems. It seemed like none of that mattered to my Dad. Once I had a car it was that my car was so difficult to work on. When I had a job and worked weekends and paid for my own stuff it was that I was never home. When I was in college and working two jobs it was again that I was never home and wanted to spend all my free time with my boyfriend. 

He also didn't like the fact that I tried to stand up for myself and I would question things. I'm not the type to sit there and take being yelled to and degraded for no reason. But if I tried to defend myself and explain my position or situation, it seemed to only make him more angry. When my mentally ill sister was getting all the attention and her every whim and want was being catered to, I called him out on that not being fair and that he was neglecting his other three daughters. Needless to say that didn't go very well. When I graduated from community college with a 3.87 GPA there was no 'I'm really proud of what you accomplished'. When I got into NC State's Accounting program to get my Bachelor's there was no 'I'm proud and excited for you', instead it was 'don't come to me for money because I'm certainly not paying for you to go to school'. Then in December of 2006 when he called to tell me he was moving to Massachusetts to get a better job and more money it was 'I don't want a divorce and I'm not trying to get away from your mother or anything like that', only to find out two months later that he was cheating on my mother and would file for divorce a year and a half later.

All these events and more have drastically shaped the person I am now. And I am so freaking angry about that. I want to be the girl who feels confident in herself and always believes in herself and knows she has people believing in her. I want to be the girl that is happy and doesn't get bogged down in the pain and hurt of an insensitive father. I don't want to have to be dealing with all these feelings and issues that I have as a direct result of my father's interactions with me while I was growing up. I don't want to carry around this lingering distrust in people, not knowing if they might turn on me and start behaving the way my father did. I want to hear my wonderful husband tell me that I'm beautiful and be able to believe that and not have that colored by all the times I was told I wasn't good enough. I don't want to carry around this weight of emotions and hurt anymore.

I wish I could just wake up one day and decide that I didn't want to feel these feelings anymore. When the pain brings me to my knees, I try to bring it to my real Father and ask Him to carry it for me. He is always faithful and takes the weight from me. In the times when it seems no one else in the world could possibly know how I am feeling, I turn to Him for He knows exactly how I feel, He has carried my pain for me. I need to learn to trust that He will carry that pain for me forever, I need to stop picking it back up. I need to remember that He thinks I am beautiful and exquisite and finds nothing wrong with me for He created me to be who I am now. In the times that I am so angry at my Dad, I need to bring him to the feet of my Father and ask that God remove the anger and redeem my Dad's broken-ness.